


cold sheets

by alineppenhallow



Series: 'cause i've built my life around you [1]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst and Feels, Canon Compliant, M/M, Post-Episode: s02e18 Awake Arise Or Be Forever Fallen, Relationship Problems, Sleeping Together, or lack there of, taking a break
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-03
Updated: 2017-08-03
Packaged: 2018-12-10 16:45:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,086
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11695779
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alineppenhallow/pseuds/alineppenhallow
Summary: "When was the last time you slept?"





	cold sheets

**Author's Note:**

> much love to the wonderful goddess @ladymatt for looking over this and helping fix it in areas!!!

“When was the last time you slept?” Izzy asks. Her arms folded across her chest and the look on her face is so reminiscent of their mother Alec has to physically shut his mouth before he answers her like he would their mother. 

“I sleep,” he says instead but it sounds petulant even to his ears. He sighs and puts the pad to one side, shifting in the armchair to regain feeling in his numb limbs. The pins and needles that bloom in his legs are uncomfortable and leave him wincing. Alec’s eyes feel sore and he doesn’t need to look at the clock to know it's obscenely late. He rubs at them, seeing bright sparks of light in a kaleidoscope pattern. 

“Sure,” Izzy says pointedly. Her voice thick with judgement. 

“I sleep,” he reiterates, this time with finality. Izzy ignores it and the look he sends her. 

“Go and talk to him,” she says softly, entering the office. Alec sighs, his head falling forward.

“It’s not that simple,” he says.

Izzy scoffs on a bitter laugh, like she can hardly believe that after everything, after every step he’s taken, that he’s resorting to an excuse like this, “It is.”

“It’s not Izzy,” Alec says firmly but Izzy persists. 

“Yes, it is,” she says earnestly as she quickly moves to perch on the edge of the coffee table in front of him. She grabs his hands, holding them tightly in hers. Izzy looks at him like if he could just hear her, really listen to what she was saying, then she’d convince him of the truth. “You’re the one making it complicated.”

But he wasn’t... and therein lay the crux of the matter. 

As smart and worldly as Izzy is, there’s always been a piece of her that’s a devoted romantic. It’s a beautiful, hopeful side to her that Alec prays never dies. Sadly it’s just not always realistic. And this is one of those situations where a happily ever after isn’t on the cards but not for the reasons Izzy thinks. Alec envies her a little for it. To think the issue is simply communication. If only. Alec would give anything for it to just be that. Because the truth of the matter is neither of them are at fault. It would be easier if one of them was, then they could just say sorry and put it all behind them. But the situation is far more complicated than that. 

“Enough Izzy. You don’t get it, it’s not that simple,” Alec admonishes, tugging his hands out of his sister’s grasp. Too quickly and too harshly judging by her hurt expression. 

“Alec,” Izzy tries again, reaching out once more. 

“I said enough!” Alec snaps. He launches himself from his chair, no longer able to handle Izzy’s well intended hope. He moves away, turning his back on her and the look in her eyes. It makes his chest ache, the longing for everything to be okay tomorrow when the reality is, it won’t be. Hope can kill just as easily as a seraph blade to the heart. Hope is just more painful. 

“Fine.” Izzy snaps back, shutting down. 

Alec deflates at her anger, trying to soothe the hurt he’s unintentionally caused, “I just need to finish up reading these reports and then I’ll sleep.”

It’s an excuse, a weak one at that. He picks up a random pad from his desk and squints through the sleepy haze to read what it is. He can barely focus on it. 

“Sure mi hermano,” Izzy mutters. Alec sighs at her tone, leaning heavily on his desk, hands flat against the cool wood surface and his head bowed under the weight of exhaustion and the situation. He knows lashing out at her isn’t fair. The whole situation isn’t fair. But Izzy doesn’t deserve his anger. He turns to apologise but Izzy’s already out the door, her hair flicking around the frame. 

Alec’s too tired to follow her, too exhausted to explain. 

She’s right though, about the sleep at least. 

Alec hasn’t slept a single night at the institute in far longer than he cares to admit. To go to his own bed, in his own room, almost feels like the final nail in the coffin. He isn’t ready for that, for what it means or could mean. Just the idea of it made him want to reach for the coffee again. If he could just prolong it, just a little longer then maybe... _ maybe _ ...he didn’t know what could happen. 

Did he really think Magnus would swing round his office door one day and entice him home? Alec knows he won’t. Much as he wants it to happen. Much as he wants to go knock on Magnus’ door...

They love each other. They do. This distance between them isn’t about  _ them _ . It’s about everything else. They’ve existed in a bubble of just them for too long, now...now the world is invading and the reality is they’re both leaders of two different factions. They couldn’t be selfish. Not with so many lives at stake. Alec knew it was the truth, knew if it had been anything else he’d be at Magnus’ door begging to try again. Maybe Magnus would have come to him too. 

If it had been anything else.

If they had been  _ just _ a warlock and  _ just _ a shadowhunter. Unimportant. Random and average. 

But they weren’t. So they couldn’t. Alec isn’t waiting for Magnus to come and see him.

He’s waiting for this war to end. 

Alec sighs again, his vision blurring and his limbs taking that heavier edge that comes with exhaustion that won’t be ignored any longer. He shuts the office door and dims the lights before heading to the sofa. 

Alec flops down onto it, toeing off his boots and letting them fall wherever. He shuffles around trying to find some semblance of comfort. Not that there was a great deal to be had on his office couch. It isn’t designed for comfort, let alone sleep. But this way he could pretend he’s just taking a nap, that when he wakes up he’ll go home...to Magnus’ and apologise to Magnus with a gentle hello kiss for being late. 

This way he could close his eyes. Because anything else meant he was going to wake up and Magnus wouldn’t be next to him and Alec couldn’t sleep knowing that’s what waited for him in the morning. 

This way he could sleep, just for a little while. 

**Author's Note:**

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